(Fifty-Fifty Clown)

So this morning My Mom woke me up to tell me S was on the phone, Mom was all happy because she thinks she had a psychic premonition that S would want to be with me again now that we broke up and she went off to make a new life in New Zealand.

I don't believe in psychic shit but I was caught off guard and slightly optimistic, so here's the run down of quick the conversation -

Me - "Haaaay, I didn't think I was going to hear from you."

Her - "Oh well I still have your T,H,X 1138 DVD, I was wondering if I could drop it off?"

Me - Yeah ok that's cool, I'm leaving in a few minutes but I'll be here for awhile, anyways so how was your trip"

Her - "It was awesome! It's really beautiful but I'm moving to Portland now."

Me- "Oh.. Wow, ok well that's cool."

Her - "Ok so I'll head over."

( hang up)

Then my Mom - "SEE! I told you she couldn't stay away."

- I didn't respond.

So I rolled out of bed an got ready, then killed sometime by listening to the Tarantino interview on NPR's show "Fresh Air", My gut felt like it was crawling with bugs, I was to nervous to eat but I played it cool. Next thing I know it's the door bell an I'm off to get it, when I opened the door she was just a nervous as I was maybe more so. It kinda made me feel better, That and she was in a rush - "I can't really stay, I've got to get to work" she said.

I was like- "Yeah I understand." Then she leaned in with her cheek for a kiss and as I put my hand on her waist, she slightly brushed it off and let it go, it was like she was saying with her body language "you can't do that but I'll let you." After that she was about to run, when my Mom started calling to her from inside the kitchen, She's not like Jen she's to polite, she had to go in side now an say Hello. Mom gave her a big hug and my one yr old smart ass cat Felidae was standing on his hind legs touching her knees meowing an begging to be pick up like a baby, it was like the warmth of my house SUCKED her in and she was trying to run out, I just stood by the door smirking at the silliness of it all. When she made her goodbyes she ran off I told her to send me photo's from her trip but really I didn't know what to say, so that was it.

Once again it's over.

Another page has turned, 9 years done with Jen and now 3 months with S , people have been calling her my rebound but I can't see it like that, it was what it was and that's more then a rebound.

But God Dam it's been so long since this all went down hill, like a month or two and she looked the same but different. She's still sooooo beautiful but just so conservatively dressed compared to when I first met her, It's obviously because of work but still, It's something that was ever present and growing from when she first graduated till now. When I first met her she was all hippied out, with wild hair and barefoot now it's UN-ripped Jeans an sneakers. Most "normal" guy's, if you ask them what they look at first on a woman they'll probably say boob's but for me it's the outfit and it's like what first attracted me to her so long ago was gone replaced by this so called adult.

But that's the root of it isn't it that's way she left me, HELL that's way Jen left me as well, because I'm mother fucking Peter Pan, I'm 31 year old who hasn't "grown up" but you know what FUCK IT! .. I'm sick of being judged and when your in a relationship that's what inevitably ends up happening, the other person needs you to pull your weight and be there equal, That's all well an fine but right now I'm a loser and I'm ok with it... sorta. I mean I'm fixing my life but at my own speed and now that I'm single I don't have to answer or feel guilt if I'm not living up to any one's standers but my own. So yeah I hang out with people younger then my self but then trying to make friends with the fucking people my age suck, all they talk about is their fucking kids and are Married or desperately trying to get married + have kids before their sperm count/ovaries frizzle up and die - Fuck that noise!

I've come to relies that I fell in love with the S that was care free living the college Dorm life but I fell out of love with the one who's facing the "Real world" the one that had to grow up and be responsible.... Or more like it, she fell out of love with me.

SO fuck it! it's over and I'm not looking for anyone else, I'm done with sex, love, all grownup bull shit, I'm free now right? "sigh"

Well I guess it's back to looking for freshmen gal's who are new to Miami, New gal's that have no friends and are in need of someone older/wiser to trust and take care them, that won't try to fuck them or fuck them over, just suck their toes once in a wile.

I seem to pay that roll better anyhow, better then boyfriend anyways.


-END